Back into the void I go….
I have been in the void of healing for the last week. Movement has been slow. Thinking has been mostly unconscious. Operating from a disassociated space. As muscle knits and bone regenerates. Trying to be with the pain as much as pretending it’s not there. The pain of nerves healing. But like my face, every day I wake up a little less numb. Tentatively noticing sensations, noticing my body. As I begin to turn my attention to what this surgery has taught me.
Like most people, I used to fear this void. I used to put on the ‘I’m fine’ mask, rush my healing, can’t appear weak, got to keep moving. Like most people I have a human body, we all have a human body, that sometimes requires rest and healing. This void, or healing space, is not a bleak dark space. It’s where the healing happens. It’s where lessons are learned, wisdom is integrated. It’s where you gestate your ideas, where they grow, there in the warm darkness, before being birthed into the world. Are you here with me too? I know I am not alone here, so you are not alone.
This is a place to keep returning to, over and over again. To change. To grow. It can feel like you are stuck in the void sometimes, constantly being knocked back in by life. This is the universe saying, you’re not done, you’re not ready, back into the creative void for you. There are more lessons here. You will only emerge when you have fully integrated, ready. Then you won’t get knocked back in by life, because you have changed. What activated you before no longer does. What brought you down in the past, will not have a hold of you in your future. This is the type of growth that happens in the void.
For me the grip of fingers around my throat, holding everything in. Holding in who I am, what I think, how I feel. The only safe way to express myself was to dance, and I still dance, you should dance too. Try it. It was enough for a long time, to dance out my emotions. Then, words, pain, anger, joy, frustration, betrayal and silence, got caught in my jaw and began to disintegrate it, to make it so fragile that I couldn’t express it even if I wanted to. And in that moment, I knew, this can’t happen. I won’t let it.
This witch cannot be silenced anymore.
To believe that all will be solved with surgical intervention is to give your power away. To hand it over to someone else to fix you. Nobody can fix you. The surgery wasn’t the fixing, it was the breaking so the healing can happen. It gives me the opportunity to heal, to really heal, to get to the root cause of all of this and heal it. To go back and speak to the silenced versions of myself, from past lives, to this one. To visit with them all. To listen to them. To hold space for them. For them, for me, and for who I am becoming. And that healing will ripple out to others around me. To my family. My friends. To my clients. My community.
There is nothing to fear in the void. While the wisdom you gain is essential to your growth it isn’t always easy to receive. Allow it to work its healing magic. You are never alone there. I am with you. There is always someone there with you.
Keep looking, you will find yourself there.