Is shame and judgement still keeping you small?
Take up space. Get bigger. Open your heart. All of these things make sense to me but at the same time feel terrifying. I want to take up space. I want to open my heart without fear, or at least having the resilience to take whatever judgement may be thrown my way. Judgement is hard, but it’s inevitable. We are programmed to judge. We have to consciously choose curiosity instead of judgement. It’s a practice. The more you do it, the more of a second nature it becomes. However, we are wired to judge. We judge ourselves the hardest and fastest. The world has never been so judgemental. Or maybe it has, but with social media giving everyone a window into your life, you open yourself up to judgement from the world, not only the people you might know in your circle. Doesn’t that seem crazy? That someone the other side of the world, can now pass comment on you or your life? Without knowing anything about you. And they do! There is something about social media as a space that perpetuated judgement. It feeds on your shame. Shame is the most uncomfortable feeling a human can experience. We fear shame so much, that we push ourselves and mould ourselves to live our lives in an appealing way in the eyes of others. To be acceptable. Accepted. If you can’t accept yourself, you will carry shame around with you like rocks in your pockets. Each rock labelled with something like “not good enough”, “why don’t I look like her/him?”, “failure”, “I don’t have enough”, “I thought by this age I would have…..”.
Shame is painful, and once you’ve carried it, it’s hard to put it down. A part of you will go into hiding, to protect itself from feeling that stomach wrenching, ground shifting pain of shame. Shame is the demon of the solar plexus chakra, the manipura chakra. This translates to Jewelled City. This is the centre of your self. Where your understanding of who you are at your core is. It is your action centre, your fire! This is where you get things done. Shame attacks this sense of self; it hurts your identity. And this is so painful, emotionally and physically. This chakra calls for trust and acceptance. To trust your centre, to fully accept who you are, and who others are.
Shame has been coming up a lot for me again over the last few weeks. I have found myself hiding away once again. Fearing judgement. Wondering if the people around me are judging me in this time, while I am healing. How can I be a healer, if I am so broken? I worry about being misunderstood a lot. So, while I am walking around, and I am speaking much more now, the pain is still there. Very loud and very clear to me, but completely invisible to others.
Shame has been used consistently to foster order and compliance in most areas of human existence for generations. Women have been conditioned to feel shame about their bodies and their voices. Shame about their cycles. For being a mother and not being a mother. Men have been conditioned to feel shame about their role in this world, how they were taught to be a man is crumbling, patriarchy is not working for them either. Religion uses shame to keep people faithful, to keep them silent and to keep them on the track to heaven. Parents use shame to keep children safe, quiet, in line and to conform to the parents expected life plan for that child. Shame keeps you small, it keeps you silent, it keeps you compliant. The fear of feeling shame if you step out of line, are seen, heard and choose differently for your life is too great. Too risky. Too painful. So, you shrink. Stay small. Choose a life that doesn’t really fit who you are, but fits the version of you, you think you should be.
What do you tell yourself about the choices you have made or not made? How do you speak to yourself when you have made a mistake? Would you speak to your child that way?
There is a great deal of discomfort here, when looking at your shame stories. I do not underestimate it. I have done and continue to do the work around my shame stories. Mine are tangled up in my sense of worth, my presence on this planet and the sometimes extreme fear of rejection and abandonment. There is nothing like the feeling of finally understanding where that story comes from though. Bringing that awareness to its origin and trusting that awareness is medicine. Then handing it back to the person/thing that should carry it. There is no feeling like witnessing someone else too. When they know that it is not theirs to carry. When they hand it back and breathe, unburdened. It’s not about blame, it’s about release. It’s about choosing yourself.
