When this year began, I had no idea
When this year began, I had no idea. I had no idea that I was already standing on the edge of what I now know is “the cliff” that this year has become. I was casually lounging on a picnic blanket, sipping cacao looking at the most amazing view beneath me, and stretching far far ahead. Since I was a child, I have had a recurring dream of falling off a cliff. The funny thing is, in the dream I land. I was always told that if you dream that you fall off a cliff and see yourself hit the floor, you die peacefully in your sleep. I had so much anxiety around this dream because of that “rule” that was placed upon the situation. I would worry that if I sensed the dream starting that I wouldn’t be able to wake up and stop the dream unfolding.
Fast forwards to this year. I had the dream. I saw myself sitting on the edge of a cliff. Looking down at the landscape beneath me, drenched in sunlight. Lush green. A golden line of a river carving through the valley. The breeze whipping my hair around my face. Of course, I didn’t have any control over the dream, a part of me knew I was going to fall off, but I didn’t know when. Then, things began to happen like they always happened. But now my nearly 40 year old self can see them so differently. In my dream, I had a sense of everything I love being down in the valley beneath me. I wasn’t frightened of being down there. I wanted to get down there. I wanted to be a part of that place, that love. In my dream, I stood up, looking down, the wind now stronger, clouds darkening the sky behind me. I stood and looked down, wondering what it would be like to be down there. What it would be like to feel loved, by myself, by others, by the universe. I tentatively walked to the edge. The sleeping version of me now remembering that this is when I fall, a part of my mind tensing slightly at the memory. I stood on the edge, my toes right up to the fall. And I jumped. I…..jumped! I never fell. I choose to jump. I choose to fall.
In previous dreams the fall was traumatic, I would look at the horizon getting higher and higher as my perspective became lower and lower as I fell. This time, I held my arms open, I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and fell. I let myself fall. I let go. I wasn’t holding on anymore. I surrendered to it. And it felt like relief, excitement, faith and love all at once. Then as always, I hit the ground. But instead of waking up at that exact moment like I always had, I stayed in the dream. I landed on my feet. I straightened myself up. And I walked into the valley. I walked through long green grass, under the light of a now setting sun towards the river.
This dream has been telling me all my life, that to get to the sweetness of life I first must surrender. And I must choose to surrender. It can’t be placed upon me. I must choose it. I need to take the action towards it. I have to let go to the fall. To embrace its many lessons. So that I can land, exactly where I need to be.
This year, I have been fighting the fall. I may have chosen to jump. But I have fought it all the way. I haven’t landed yet. But I am not still writhing, twisting and turning in space as I make my way to my destination. Am I uncomfortable? Hell yes! Like you wouldn’t believe. I know this is part of the transformation, growth and healing that has to happen to design the valley I am going to land in. While I have not yet landed, I have now opened my arms to the fall. Eyes closed. Head back. As the wind holds me and yet parts for me to fall. Because the wind knows how to change direction in a given moment. And so, it lets me change direction too.
So maybe this is where I need to be right now, it’s all a part of the fall. I am a week or so away from having jaw surgery. Surgery with so many unanswered questions around it for my recovery, facial function and my appearance after it. Surgery that will mean I wont be able to speak very well for some time during the healing process. I know now, I have a choice, to leap into the experience and surrender to the process, or fight it all the way down. I have chosen the former. I have chosen to surrender. Again.
My invitation to you is to choose to jump, choose to fall, surrender to the exhilarating peace of it. Knowing that as you fall, you will gain wisdom in the lessons that you receive. That wisdom designs the landscape of your landing. And you will land, exactly where you need to be.